I’m not sure blogging is for me anymore. There is increasing pressure and I’m not comfortable with it. For a start the number of social media platforms is starting to feel overwhelming. I can’t keep up with it. Its not the technical side that is a problem but finding the time to use it. Facebook for instance. I’ve set up an account but have I time to use it. No. It’s the same with Google Plus.
Then there are the blogs themselves. There are so many that I simply don’t have the time to read and comment as much as I’d like. Instead I find myself flitting around the blogosphere, reading bits and pieces but never fully getting into any particular community. Not surprisingly I feel quite isolated which seems ironic when there are so many bloggers.
Neither do I have the time to promote my blog and whilst I do tweet my blog posts this is all I do and even that is with a huge sense of unease. How far do you self promote without it coming across as pushy? It is something I have always struggled with; I’m much happier tweeting other people’s work than my own. I always feel self conscious about advertising my blog but go along with it anyway because isn’t that what everyone else is doing?
But now I’m getting fed up with it all and I find myself looking back at my blog posts and wondering what I’ve achieved. I mean I ’ve written nearly 300 posts which is about 30,000 words!! 30,000 words could have contributed to my masters degree which could have had more meaning for me than this little old blog. I mean what is my blog achieving amidst a sea of more influential blogs?
And then there are the awards and lists. These make me feel miserable. I never do well and whilst you may say it doesn’t matter, it’s your blog and you write what you want, it doesn’t feel good when your blog is not popular. Please don’t interpret this as a plea for votes. I’ve decided not to get involved with awards from now on. I dislike the whole begging for votes thing though I don’t think less of bloggers who do. I just find it personally very difficult to do.
For me the writing was the thing. It lessened the heavy burden I felt at times which was good for a while but writing is no longer having such a therapeutic affect. Whenever I blog now I wonder whether it will be read and enjoyed, listed or scored or simply ignored. I worry that I’ve said stuff that may upset someone who has a different experience of autism and aspergers. I always try to be careful with my words and to get balance in my posts. One sided arguments can present a distorted view and I am aware that that distortion can upset members of the autism community. That is something I don’t want to do. Blogging is a public forum and what we put out there can have an impact on how others view autism and aspergers. In the same way that we may criticise certain newspapers for misrepresenting the autism spectrum there is a danger we could also be doing the same.
Neither am I prepared to write about my children in great depth. I don’t think it’s right now that my children are older and in any case how would they feel if they found a post that describes them? In the end of the day their right to a private life is much more important than raising awareness of autism. However, this leaves me with a dilemma. Because my children’s lives are s0 entwined with mine, if I don’t talk about my children and my fight for services what do I talk about? I really don’t know.